Letters To No One
by nithila
Summary: Epistolary. Highschool AU. Ryoma's psychiatrist makes him write letters to a stranger, and he agrees, but refuses to send them ever. / Revenge only gets us so far. Sometimes things work out, sometimes they don't. Either way, in the end, everything is in pieces.
1. Chapter 1

**Inspired by The Perks of Being a Wallflower, by Stephen Chbosky. But it's totally unrelated to it. Also inspired by a PLAN.**

**I am aware that it sucks. **

* * *

><p><strong>1409/-**

Dear person,

I don't know why I'm doing this. There are so many better things I could be doing. Karupin's giving me her best death glare, so I assume she agrees with me. I bet you do, too. Whoever you are.

The psychiatrist says that I should talk to people more. Like that's going to happen. So instead, we compromised, and now I'm talking to you. I made her promise she wouldn't ask to read these letters.

I don't even know who you are. And you don't know who I am. And I doubt I'll send these stupid letters in the end, anyway, so that's not too big a problem. How this is 'talking to other people', I will never understand.

And I give up. This is boring. I have better things to do.

- Echizen Ryoma

* * *

><p><strong>1609/-**

Dear person,

Yes, I know I said I'd given up. Unfortunately, the creepy psychiatrist woman figured it out. If I don't do this, she'll tell my parents to ban Ponta for 'medical reasons'. That is blackmail. It's illegal. Why can psychiatrists get away with anything?

Anyway. I've written an entire paragraph. That accounts for something.

- Echizen Ryoma

* * *

><p><strong>1909/-**

Supposed friend,

I NEED MY PONTA.

NOW.

* * *

><p><strong>2009/-**

GET ME MY PONTA OR I'LL NEVER TALK TO YOU AGAIN.

* * *

><p><strong>2009/-**

PONTA. I NEED. PONTA.

* * *

><p><strong>2109/-**

Dear friend,

I still need Ponta. I've decided to talk to you and get this over with, so that it can suddenly become not so bad for my health after all. I hate that woman, really. I don't even know how she figures out that I haven't written to you. She's like Fuji-senpai: dangerously psychic.

(This is stupid. We don't even know each other.)

I suppose I should tell you about my day. My day was normal. It was boring. Like always.

After school, I had to meet the creepy woman. I meet her every Friday. On other days, she sometimes calls to check up on me. Here would be the right time for you to wonder, 'Why does he need to meet a psychiatrist?' That would be an excellent question. One that I don't feel like answering. What I can do, is assure you that I am not dangerously unstable or anything - people just think I have issues.

So, when I went to meet her today, the waiting room was empty. I waited for a couple of minutes, and then she poked her head out of her office and called me in. After I'd settled on the sofa (which is really comfortable), she looked me over, smirked, and said, "Ponta is still banned." Heartless, she is.

After that she asked me a bunch of the usual trivial questions. How are you, how are your friends, how is your life, have you had any episodes lately, what do you think about the world…blah blah blah. She didn't attempt to mentally scar me today. Well, except for the whole Ponta thing. Which definitely counts.

I've written more than enough today, haven't I? Karupin's getting grumpy because I'm not talking to her. I'll write again tomorrow.

-Echizen Ryoma

* * *

><p><strong>2309/-**

Dear friend,

I don't like homework. Do you like homework? I hope you don't. Or I may have to disown you.

I like staying home even less than I like homework. And I like school even less than I like staying at home. This proves to be a bit of a problem, seeing as my entire life more or less consists of school and home.

It was different when I played tennis. Back then I didn't mind school or home; I could play tennis in both. After I stopped, there was suddenly this horrible lack of things to do. And there was nothing I had in common with any of my friends anymore. It only occurred to me then that tennis was basically all I had in my life.

It doesn't hurt that I've stopped playing. I mean, I didn't have much of a choice in the matter. I just wasn't capable anymore, and it went to such a state that _playing_ was what hurt. So while quitting didn't hurt me, it hurt everyone around me, because they don't know who I am anymore. My dad was exceptionally horrified. It's a bit sad when you think about it. He threw away his entire career so that he could help with mine, and in the end, I'm not going to have one.

It hurt my teammates a lot, too. Eiji-senpai wouldn't stop crying over it, and Momo-senpai sulked for ages. But that was a long time ago. High school is different. The team split up, and now a lot of my schoolmates are people who used to be part of the rival teams, like Kirihara, Kintarou, and Yukimura-senpai. Tezuka-buchou isn't even in the country anymore. All that talk of how Seigaku would never be forgotten was stupid. Nobody really cares about things like that once they're over, do they? It's all fun while it lasts, and then everything fades out, and we become used to them being over. Momo-senpai, Eiji-senpai, and Fuji-senpai all go to the same school as me, too, and I haven't spoken to them in a week at least. Everything changes, everything ends, and it doesn't bother me as much as it used to.

Maybe it does.

Or maybe it doesn't.

-Echizen Ryoma

* * *

><p><strong>2409/-**

Dear friend,

I talked to Fuji-senpai today. We were both skipping classes on the roof. He's quit the tennis team, too, so now that's at least one thing we have in common. Actually, there's two. We both also skip classes on the roof.

Fuji-senpai is really easy to talk to, but at the same time, so difficult. He's like the psychiatrist woman. He knows everything that's going on in your head, and is always calculating your every move. It's kind of unnerving. He already knows the answer to every question he asks, and only asks to see if you'll tell him or not.

Recently, there's been something wrong with him. He's been kind of out of it. His eyes are always open, and he seems too tired to smile. I almost asked him what was wrong today, but I decided against it. It's not my business.

He didn't even notice that I'd come up to the rooftop for a very long time. I just sat by the door, watching him, and he stood at the railing, frowning to himself. After ten minutes, he noticed me, and he only frowned deeper.

Another minute passed like that.

When he finally spoke, he said, "I don't see you much anymore."

"Yeah."

"How are you?"

"Good."

"That's nice. Classes are fine?"

"Yeah."

The conversation was by now very pointless, and he seemed to notice that as well, so he fell silent and continued looking over the railing. When the bell rang, he smiled at me, ruffled my hair, and left.

Maybe I should have asked him what was wrong. But he wouldn't have given me a straight answer. I don't even know if we can call ourselves friends anymore. Why would he want to tell me?

- Echizen Ryoma

* * *

><p><strong>2509/-**

Dear friend,

Kirihara and Fuji-senpai fought in the corridors today. It ended badly. I'd tell you what happened, but Kirihara's banging on the door right now, so I have to go and let him in.

- Ryoma

**(later)**

It's past midnight now. Kirihara just left - It took him this long to calm down. I'm actually surprised my mother didn't kick him out sooner. He cursed Fuji in every way he knew how, threw a few things across the room, and then sat in a corner and sulked.

It wasn't just a normal fight - it was an all out brawl. I thought they'd end up killing each other. If it wasn't for Yukimura senpai and my history teacher, they probably would have.

The entire situation is very awkward. Apparently, Kirihara noticed Fuji in the corridors, realized he was upset, and decided to get on his nerves, so he followed him around a while asking questions, like, "Did you fail a test?" and "Did your girlfriend dump you?" and "Do you miss Tezuka?" Fuji had been ignoring him initially, but then he flared up and flung his textbook at him, hitting him in the face. Kirihara, useless as he is, retaliated, and things simply proceeded from there.

Fuji-senpai's usually better at handling his irritation. Anyone would have expected Kirihara to have started the fight.

Those two have never liked each other from the beginning. People at school call them the 'Angel' and the 'Demon'. If you ask me, they're both demons. But one has a mask, and the other doesn't. That's probably why I trust Kirihara more.

- Echizen Ryoma

* * *

><p><strong>2709/-**

Dear friend,

No one has killed anyone yet. As in, no one I know has killed anyone I know yet. The rest of the world is still more or less on a killing spree. Apparently around one thousand three hundred people are murdered per day. Creepy, isn't it? It's kind of weird how we hear about so many people who've died, but we never do. Logically, I could die in the middle of a sentence. What's to say my house won't explode? Or burn up? Or I go completely mental like people expect me to and burn things down myself?

The psychiatrist woman called today. She's finally established that I'm actually writing to you and am not just pretending. This Friday, she'll talk to my parents and remove the Ponta-ban. If I ever stop writing to you without her permission, it'll suddenly become 'bad for my health' again.

That woman.

The point I was trying to make, was that Kirihara and Fuji-senpai haven't killed each other yet. They've been avoiding each other, of course, but it's not like they usually don't, so no harm is done per say. Fuji-senpai's still been pretty out of it, though.

Oh, cool, Karupin just learnt how to open the window latch.

Wait a minute. That's not good.

Excuse me for a moment.

- Ryoma

* * *

><p><strong>The letters are short, yes. That's because he isn't used to the idea of writing letters yet. He will, eventually.<strong>


	2. Chapter 2

28/09/-

I'm going to kill him. I need to kill him. I need to see his blood I need to watch him suffer _I need to kill him right now and show him that he can't get away with everything even though he thinks he can_

he's probably laughing to himself he probably thinks this is so funny and it probably makes him feel so freaking proud of himself Someone needs to show him that he can't always do whatever he wants and that he should just_ leave me alone_

I really need to make sure that he

* * *

><p>110/-

Dear friend,

My weekend went over pretty badly. I spent pretty much the whole time at the psychiatrist's. Apparently I kind of lost my mind, so they had to call her over for help, and she decided she wanted me under her care for a while.

My mother is starting to get sick of me, I can tell. I can't really blame her. I wouldn't want to deal with me, either. My dad, on the other hand just seems really upset. On most days, he doesn't treat me any different than he usually does, unlike my mother, but on days like these, when I start to freak everyone out, he turns quiet and stalks me the whole time.

I've always felt sorry for my dad. He'd dreamed of so much, but he never really got anything.

You're probably still wondering what's wrong with me. To be honest, I don't know myself. My mother says I'm going crazy, my dad says I'm not, and my psychiatrist asks me disturbing questions and says, "And how do you feel about that?"

Speaking of my psychiatrist, she's un-banned Ponta. I'm drinking a can right now.

Anyway.

Tezuka-buchou sent me a letter today. He usually sends an email once a week, but today he actually sent a handwritten letter. It was strange, because he didn't say anything that different from what he usually says. Maybe his roommate killed his computer. Or he killed it himself. Or something.

He asked me specifically how Fuji-senpai was doing. I guess someone told him that he'd been down in the dumps.

Lots of people used to ask Fuji-senpai who his best friend was. He'd always smile brightly and tell them that it was Kikumaru-senpai. It was believable, because the two were at times inseparable. Strangely enough, they do have a lot in common. The next question would always be, "What about Tezuka?" to which he'd smile again and shrug. I found out pretty late that the two of them were in a relationship. After I found out, I was surprised that I hadn't noticed before. It seems so obvious when you think back on it.

I mean, Fuji-senpai never really cared about anyone as much as he cared about buchou. Whatever happened to him, he was always there. And he never worked so hard to drive anyone else so insane. I can't even count the number of times he stole his glasses, or mixed wasabi in his food, or taped pictures of Care Bears to his locker.

He was really upset when buchou decided to move. I remember him smiling at the airport like nothing was wrong, and buchou giving him all these worried looks before he left. And Oishi-senpai seemed ten times more worried than him, because that's what Oishi-senpai is he left, Fuji-senpai excused himself from the rest of us former Seigaku regulars and wandered off to who knows where.

He got over it eventually, though. Neither of them had a problem with a long distance relationship, so the only problem was that he missed him. But, well, he got used to the fact that his brother left the city, so I assume buchou leaving wasn't too big a problem.

And besides. Everyone cried and cried when our team broke up after middle school, but they're all doing just fine now. It isn't that difficult to stop missing someone when you part on good terms. It's when you don't that all the problems start. That's when you end up considering murder and torture and all the different ways of strangulation you can think of.

But strangulation isn't painful enough. He needs to bleed and die because he can't scream anymore and then he'll realize just what he does to everyone. No, he won't even then because that's just how little he cares about anything he'll just stand over it all and laugh like he always does_ because ruining people's minds is just so funny to him _

* * *

><p>(Later)<p>

Sorry. I shouldn't have started talking about that. I'll stick to buchou and Fuji-senpai.

Actually, there's nothing more to say about them. They miss each other, but they don't mope. Which is natural, considering how headstrong they both are. It would be weird if they did mope.

I can't even imagine buchou moping.

It's pretty funny to think about.

So, buchou wanted to know how Fuji-senpai was, and told me to tell him if he ever started acting strange. If a strange person acts strange, does that mean they're acting normal? Or exceptionally strange?

I should probably go to sleep. I have school tomorrow, and this is becoming ridiculous.

- Echizen Ryoma

* * *

><p>310/-

Dear friend,

I met Fuji-senpai on the roof again today. This time he noticed me right away. He even smiled.

And then he told me that he broke up with buchou.

Or rather, buchou broke up with him.

Apparently he told him that he liked someone else, and had always liked someone else, and although he really liked Fuji too, it was about time that he was fair to himself and to Fuji and started being honest.

If he thought that was a noble speech, he was reeeally mistaken, because that's one of the lamest break-up speeches I've ever heard. And I've heard a lot, because Momo senpai used to get dumped on a daily basis.

I don't even see the logic behind it. I mean, why would he agree to a relationship if he already knew he liked someone else? That's just stupid. And mean. Pretending to love someone when you don't?

I used to respect him a lot. I still do, but he's just... wrong.

Why do I still call him buchou, anyway? It's been three years since he was team captain. It's been three years since I was even on a team.

I'm still not entirely sure why Fuji-senpai told me this. But it all makes sense now. That's why Tezuka asked me how Fuji-senpai was doing. That's why Fuji-senpai's been so depressed, and that's why he exploded when Kirihara asked him if he missed Tezuka.

When I went up to the rooftop, he was standing at the railing like he usually does. I settled next to the door like always, and he turned around and smiled brightly.

"How have you been, Echizen?"

I shrugged. He came over to sit on the ground next to me, leaning against the wall.

He stared straight ahead for a long while. "You know, Tezuka broke up with me," he said at last.

I don't remember what I said. It was something along the lines of 'What?'

He smiled a bit. "Apparently he likes someone else. He always has. He just didn't want to tell me." And then he explained Tezuka's supposedly noble speech. "It's extremely out of character for him," he said. "I can imagine him breaking up with me because our relationship wasn't accepted, or because he needed to concentrate more in school, but I never thought he'd end it like this."

It was true. He was right.

We sat in silence for a long while. I didn't know what to say to him, and he seemed content with that. Finally, a minute before the bell rang, he turned to look at me. He rarely closes his eyes these days, but they were closed this time.

"Do me a favour, Echizen," he said. I nodded at him slightly.

"If you ever fall in love - and I'm sure you will someday - don't trust that person."

"Senpai, that's a bit contradictory."

He smiled again, opening his eyes once more. "You'll see what I mean someday."

The bell rang, and he left.

Now it's two in the morning and I can't sleep.

- Echizen Ryoma

* * *

><p><strong>This was one epic fail of a chapter. Strangely, I don't really mind.<strong>

**It should be noted that my writing in this story will probably be way different from what it's usually like, for two reasons. Firstly, while writing Ryoma's POV in first person is reasonable manageable, writing letters in his POV is not so easy, because I can't help but think that he'd be too lazy to write a lot of stuff. It would take him a long time to actually get used to writing down everything he thinks of on paper. Which is why he's ended up rather out of character. But I'll get used to it eventually, as will he. I hope.**

**Another reason is that I'm not editing this story half as much as I edit my others. I'm writing this purely as stress relief. There's just too much going on. So yes, this story may be very flawed. But it's still very important to me. Feel free to tell me what you think of it.**


	3. Chapter 3

**5/10/-**

Dear friend,

You should be honored. I've decided that writing to you is slightly less boring than my Math homework. Honestly, though, it's stupid. All it's doing is testing my ability to use a calculator. I know how to use a calculator, thank you very much. How else would I have survived this long?

Also, my parents aren't home today. They don't often trust me on my own, and the psychiatrist woman doesn't encourage them to, but sometimes my mom gets so fed up that she decides she wants a break, and my dad, after worrying and giving me a list of all the things I can't do, decides to accompany her. Sometimes they'd get Kirihara to come over to keep me company (I have no clue why he's considered more stable than me) or Yukimura (which is a more logical decision). But not today.

So, I'm on my own. Well, Karupin's still here. But she's mad because I yelled at her for trying to jump out the window. I'm not apologizing.

Anyway.

You know what the only good thing about high school is? It's that no one knows who you are.

In middle school, everyone knew who I was. There was an entire gang of creepy stalkers who'd follow me around all day. But I'd stopped playing tennis a year before high school, and not that many of my present schoolmates had known me when I did, so most people here don't know who I am.

The weird thing is that there are so few people that everyone knows about. Yukimura senpai, of course, everyone knows. He's Student Council president. Fuji-senpai, because he's just that type of person. Kirihara, because he's probably broken more school equipment than has ever been broken before. A few other people who I don't really talk to, like some of the guys on the basketball team. On the whole, most people don't know most people. And even if they do, they couldn't care less about you.

That's why making friends in high school is so difficult. Everyone closes up, everyone wants to stay safe. The friends that I have are only my friends because a) they knew me before, or b) they're just weird.

It's difficult for Kintarou to _not_ try and befriend someone, and he started following me around once we were put in the same class, so I never really had a choice when it came to him. What surprised everyone was Kirihara. No one ever expected us to end up as friends. Neither did I. He freaking broke my knee - I wasn't going to forgive him for that. We were enemies for life.

I guess things started changing after that match at the training camp, after An pushed him down the stairs. I didn't pity him for that. He deserved it. And when he vowed to have changed, and promised that he'd never hurt anyone again, it wasn't like I really believed him. Who knew how many times he'd promised the same thing before.

The problem was, that no one else believed him, either. You can't blame us, because most of us had been injured pretty badly in matches against Kirihara. Everyone was too angry to even give him a chance, and that hurt him a lot. And, well, I had nothing better to do, and I didn't mind playing a match, so I gave him a chance. And it turned out he had changed. His entire playing style changed. He's never served a Knuckle serve after that.

Of course, that didn't make us best friends forever or anything. We respected each other, that was all. And that was all we wanted it to be. What we didn't expect, was to end up in the same highschool. To almost always end up in detention together. For Yukimura senpai to drag us around the city afterwards. For Momo senpai to start ditching me after school, and for Kirihara to always be there instead. For him to find out about everything without even meaning to, simply by being at the wrong place at the wrong time.

I suppose that made us best friends.

Momo-senpai was fine with it. Fuji-senpai wasn't. He didn't trust Kirihara at all. But then we started talking less and less, and eventually he wasn't around enough to lecture me about my choice of friends anymore.

My dad loves Kirihara. My mom is wary of him, but she doesn't dislike him. Karupin hates him.

Speaking of Karupin, she's still sulking. Maybe I should try making up with her.

- Echizen Ryoma

* * *

><p><strong>610/-**

Dear friend,

Fuji-senpai is either weird, lonely, or up to something evil. The first and third are part of his usual state of mind, so, according to Yukimura senpai, he's just lonely. I do not agree. I think that he's out to destroy the world somehow and is following me around to gather facts and details that might help him in doing so. But whatever it is, he's been stalking me all day.

It isn't disturbing, exactly. It's just really suspicious.

(I'm writing this in the middle of English class.)

The day started off pretty normally. I rode my bike to school alone, and halfway there, Kintarou nearly crashed into me. He usually gets to school before me, because he's on the tennis team, but apparently he didn't have practice today. So then we rode to school together.

Surprisingly, we weren't late. I actually had ten minutes before my first period. I met Fuji-senpai in the hallway, and he smiled brightly at me and walked with me to class. Neither of us said much. It was good to see him smiling though. He seems to have come out of his depression.

I slept through first period. And the second. I stayed awake for Math, because Math is nice. And because I wouldn't have been allowed to sleep anyway.

Then there was lunch. Usually, I eat with Kirihara, or Kintarou. But today the remnants of Seigaku dragged me away, and I sat with Momo-senpai, Eiji-senpai, and Fuji-senpai.

I didn't like it.

I didn't dislike it, either, but I didn't like it. It was uncomfortable and felt faked. I understand that Momo senpai didn't feel close to me after I quit tennis. It was possibly my fault. I pushed everyone away, and I'm aware of that. He doesn't have to pretend that we're still best of friends for my sake, because I know we're not. I don't even want to be anymore.

Eiji-senpai, too. We barely talk, and it doesn't bother him. He doesn't need to say that he misses me so much and pretend he cares.

Fuji-senpai is natural. He knows where he stands with me, and I know where I stand with him. We both know our friendship fell apart.I still like all of them. I still like them all a lot, because they were my first real friends. But we're just not that close anymore.

Apparently the whole having-lunch-together business was Fuji-senpai's idea. I should have known. I left early,, saying that I had homework to finish. The other two were happy to believe it, and I went straight to class.

Which is where I am now.

**(Later)**

I'm home. Karupin likes me again. All is well. Not really.

Fuji-senpai caught up with me on the way home today. There was a large group of people waiting to accompany him, but he waved them away and said that there was something he had to do. We walked in silence for a long time. He didn't tell me what the problem was, and I didn't push him. He wasn't smiling anymore. "I'm sorry," he said at last, and he sounded perfectly honest for once.

"Why are you sorry?"

"I know lunch was awkward. Those two really do miss you. They just don't know how to express it."

I made a face at him. "Senpai, it's fine. Things don't have to be the way they were in middle school."

He frowned. "That's not the point. I know we all fell apart, but we don't have to stay that way."

"We don't, yes, but it's a lot easier."

For a second, he seemed irritated. "You don't care at all, do you?"

"I don't see why this is happening now. You were all fine with not talking to me for months together, so why does it bother you all of a sudden?"

"Has it ever occurred to you that you were the one who pushed us away?"

"I know I did. But that doesn't make it any less your fault. It's not like you talk much to Momo senpai, either, and he didn't push you away."

Fuji's frown deepened. Even in middle school, I always managed to get on his nerves. High school only made it worse.

For a moment he looked like he was holding in a nasty retort, but then he shook his head and sighed. "I'd forgotten how infuriating you could be."

I shrugged. I didn't feel insulted.

"Okay," he said, "I'll put this simply. I want to be friends again. I've already lost Tezuka - I don't want to lose anyone else."

Trusting Fuji-senpai is already difficult. It doesn't help that I have trust issues. "You can't become friends simply by deciding to, senpai."

He smiled at that. "We'll see, ne?"

This guy and his creepily foreboding retorts will some day be the death of someone.

- Echizen Ryoma

* * *

><p><strong>Well, surprise surprise. The next chapter is already written. I would probably write the entire story today if I were allowed to, but I have homework. <strong>

**I apologize if Ryoma is still out of character. I have to keep going back and rewriting stuff to make it sound more like him. This is why I should write first person more often.**


	4. Chapter 4

**And here, for the first time in history, I've published two chapters on the same day! It usually takes a month. Or seven months. Or a year. Or it just doesn't happen. Ah, well. Tada anyway.**

* * *

><p><strong>710/-**

Dear friend,

Have you ever read Will Grayson, Will Grayson? It's a most disturbing book. I'm not entirely sure why I read it. I started it this evening, and I couldn't stop till I finished it. It's now well past midnight.

Wait, that means the date is the 8th. Not the 7th.

Now I have to hide it. If my parents see it, they'll immediately tell the psychiatrist what I was reading, and she'll look it up and think about a hundred and fifty reasons as to why I might have decided to read it. Nosy stalkers.

Fuji-senpai is really determined for us to all be friends again. I wish he would just give up. It's starting to get on my nerves. It's also getting on Kirihara's nerves, because, if Fuji-senpai is around, Kirihara can't be around. Well, he _can_, but his ego won't allow it.

I'm not going to eat with them tomorrow. I'll go lock myself up in the bathroom if it comes down to it. I am sick of people pretending.

And I'm also sleepy.

- Echizen Ryoma

* * *

><p><strong>810/-**

Dear friend,

I did not hide in the bathroom. I did hide on the rooftop. I didn't think it would bother them so much. Actually, I didn't even think they'd figure out that I was hiding and wasn't busy. But they did, and they were angry. Or at least, Momo senpai was.

I don't want to talk about this right now.

I was a mess when I came home and got sent straight to the psychiatrist. That's where I am now. It's a problem when your psychiatrist is your mom's good friend, you get sent to her for everything. She's sitting at her desk in front of me right now, making sure I write down everything that happened. I don't want to. I really don't want to. I just want to sit in a corner and go to sleep.

She won't listen to me. She never listens to me. No one does.

Momo-senpai hunted me down after lunch, and snapped. "Would you stop being so selfish for once?"

I didn't speak.

"We're all working so hard to get Fuji-senpai back to normal, and all you can think about is yourself."

I still didn't speak.

"Why do you think we're all hanging out together? He thinks that this'll help him forget about Tezuka. But you, no, you're too awesome to help anybody. You're not the only person in the world who has ever had a hard time, okay. Quitting tennis was hard for you. Understood. But two years? You're going to sulk over it for two years?"

I can't talk back when I'm upset. I have so many things to say, but if I start I'll start crying, and I'm so used to not crying that my mind won't let me speak.

"I put up with it for a long time. I thought you'd get over yourself eventually, and would finally see that you didn't have to close up for the rest of your life, but you never did. And I guess I gave up on you. It's been so long, and you still haven't changed."

I wanted to tell Momo senpai that he had no idea. All he knew was that I'd quit tennis. He didn't know why. He didn't know what happened. He didn't know what was still happening, about how I went out of control so often, about the psychiatrist, about how if I thought about things too long I ended up being a mess for days together. He doesn't know how hard it is to keep moving day after day without ever letting yourself pause and think because as long as you don't think things will be fine. Kirihara knew without me telling him. Momo senpai never even asked.

But I didn't say any of this to him. I just stood there until he left. And then I turned around and came home.

Curse you, Fuji-senpai. Tezuka. Momo senpai, Eiji-senpai, Ryoga and every other person I've met. Curse all of you.

Curse you Atobe, curse you Atobe, curse you Atobe, curse you Atobe, curse you Atobe, curse you Atobe, CURSE YOU. DIE.

* * *

><p><strong>910/-**

I didn't go to school today. I was too tired. I stayed home and watched TV instead.

Kirihara came over after school. He asked me if something was wrong. I told him no. He didn't believe me, but we sat and played video games together anyway. He stayed till dinner, and then kicked himself out. Almost once he left, Fuji-senpai came over.

"I heard Momoshiro snapped at you," was his way of greeting. I had no intention of talking about that again, so I told him that he heard right, thanks for checking, have a good night, good bye. He was unperturbed by my attempt to get rid of him and remained standing on the door step, staring straight at me. He's still taller than me. When he stares at you, his eyes are sharp and clear.

"Is that why you didn't come to school?" He asked slowly.

I snorted. "Don't be ridiculous."

He smiled slightly, amused. I don't understand how his brain works. "Momoshiro was wrong," he said at last. "I didn't want us to spend time together because I missed Tezuka. I do miss Tezuka, yes. But I'm not going to mope over someone who never cared about me."

"Okay."

"You do remind me a bit of him, though. Only you aren't as stone faced. That's a good thing. More than one stone face is too much for the world to handle."

"Right." I wasn't sure if I was being insulted.

"That aside, having lunch together everyday was a bad idea. You and Momoshiro have issues with each other that you haven't sorted out yet. I shouldn't have forced you together so soon."

"Why are you even telling me all of this?" Why did he tell me anything, for that matter.

He shrugged, and looked at me for a moment.

I waited.

"Do you want to go somewhere?" He said abruptly, ignoring my question altogether.

I stared at him. "Huh?"

"Do you want to go somewhere?" He repeated dutifully.

Well. "…Huh?"

He sighed. "Really, Echizen, it's not that difficult to understand. I'll repeat it again, slowly. Do. You. Want. To. - "

"I know what you're saying!" I just didn't _get_ what he was saying.

"Anywhere. Let's just go somewhere. Right now."

"Fuji-senpai, you're not making much sense."

He leaned past me and called into the house. "Echizen-san! This is Fuji Syusuke. Could I take a walk with your son?"

My mother loves Fuji. She thinks he's the sweetest, most polite person on the planet. So she immediately ran over, greeted him, and gave us full permission to do as we pleased.

So we went for a walk.

"What exactly is the point of this?" I asked him.

He ignored my question again. "Do you take part in Phys. Ed?" He asked.

"Sometimes." It depends on the activity. I take part in track events. I have special permission to escape anything else.

"You can still run, right?"

"Obviously."

"Good. I'll race you to the park." And he took off.

"Wait, what?" It took me a moment to realize what was happening, and in that moment Fuji sped way past me. I cursed and chased after him.

It reminded me of when we were younger, and we'd run laps for buchou. Inui-senpai would stand at the finish line with a bottle of glinting stuff and grin sadistically. We'd run because our lives depended on it. This was different. This was exhilarating. The stars were out, the streets were empty, and the only sound was our footsteps echoing. He was far ahead of me, running without even trying.

I shouted to him that this wasn't fair, but he laughed it off and increased his pace. I had to shut up to try and catch up. He was smiling the whole way. When I finally reached the park, I found him standing there, not tired in the least, looking immensely proud of himself. I all but collapsed in front of him, panting heavily.

"I hate you," I told him.

He sat down next to me. "Admit it. It was fun."

Strangely enough, it was. I hadn't run like that in months. But I wouldn't admit it.

We sat for a while staring up at the stars. "Do you miss Seigaku?" He asked quietly.

I thought it over. I missed what life used to be like. I missed being considered stableminded. But I didn't miss Seigaku. I just missed the normalcy that came with it.

"Not really," I told him. I expected him to be irritated, but he nodded.

"Me neither," he said. "It was fun, yes, but I moved on. So did everyone else." He frowned. I assumed he was thinking about Tezuka. "What do you say I take over the world?" He asked, entirely out of context.

"That is entirely out of context," I told him.

"I know. But what do you say?"

"For the sake of the world, senpai, please don't."

His entire expression softened at that. I really don't understand his brain. "That's exactly what you said last time," he said.

I had no idea what he was talking about. I asked him, but he wouldn't tell me. I thought about it after I came back home, and I think I sort of remember now.

Fuji-senpai was the last person I befriended on the team. We were never on bad terms, but we weren't quite friends, either. And then one day, we ended up getting in trouble with Ryuuzaki-sensei for something I don't even remember, and had to stay back and clean the courts. All by ourselves.

I was sulking. And cursing the management. And the government. And the world. Fuji-senpai didn't seem too bothered until we found out that Inui's juice had stained a court badly. It took us ages to clean it up, and at the end we collapsed and railed at the planet a bit longer.

"What do you say I take over the world?" He'd asked at one point.

I guess I'd replied the same way.

That was the first time we spent so much time together, and sort of, kind of became friends. I guess he was trying to make a point today. What it was, I'm not so sure.

- Echizen Ryoma

**(Later)**

Atobe sent me a message. He wants to meet me tomorrow. I nearly threw my phone out the window.

I won't go.

* * *

><p><strong>Well. <strong>

**The problem with this story is that I get so emotional while writing it. When Ryoma's upset, I get upset. When he wants to kill, I want to kill. It's kind of creepy. But I like it a lot.**

**I said before that this story was flawed. It really is. But I won't rewrite it.**

**Also, as predictable as the plot may seem, it will not proceed as expected. Trust me. Also also, Atobe and Ryoma WERE NOT, and ARE NOT in a relationship. Just in case you were wondering. Actually, Atobe wasn't supposed to be part of the story at all. It was supposed to be Ryoga. But somewhere along the way he just popped into my head, and he's so arrogant and headstrong that he fit the part perfectly. **

**I hope you liked it. Please tell me what you think. Also, thank you to the people who have supported this story so far.**


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